put down the car keys and apologize for ever being.

The only reason I knew how slow this ‘thing’ was driving was because I could count it on the watch of the seeping-wound-of-a-man on a cane passing him on the sidewalk. Why anyone would dare to drive 4mph ANYWHERE EVER is beyond me. And not okay. Ever. EVER. EVER!

School zones are 25mph. Hospital crosswalks are 10mph. If you are driving FOUR MILES PER HOUR, get out and walk so we can tackle you, get your keys away from you, humiliate you, and ban you from driving forever. You are not allowed again. Ever, ever, ever. You have been made obsolete. Driving is a privilege and you made a mockery of it.

While I’m at it…

If you own a Prius, the far left lane is OUT OF BOUNDS. You are banned from it. You’re not allowed in it, to look at it, dream about it, to resent the idiocy of your decision that has banned you from it, or to curse your own self from ever at one point dreaming about a world that didn’t like to drive faster than 50mph.

Yes, I like scenery. I like it a lot. I like it so much I want to see it often, quickly, so I can see it again before it’s clogged by a thousand fucking Priuses trying to climb a fucking 2% grade hill.

To help, because I’m that charitable to even you people…
Here’s a little graphic because apparently you Prius people didn’t have to pass the same driving test I did 30 fucking years ago.

This is what a normal road should look like and how to use the lanes:

how-to-drive
As you can see, Prius drivers should be OFF THE HIGHWAY.

Yet, this is what you do:
traffic

This is what you do because you are self-congratulatory, self-satisfied morons who think that by buying a Prius makes you righteous because you’re “saving the earth”. You’re not. At all. Not in any way, shape, form, vegan, anti-GMO, ultra-organic, anti-gluten, fucking sit-in, anti-Nabisco way. You’re sheep corralled into a cause created for you. I’m no conspiracy-theorist but give it some thought! Your cause is created for you to finally feel like you belong at the cool lunch table.

Before you get the wrong idea about this rant, I don’t care what you think or believe in or what your cause is. Just stay out of my way so I can enjoy driving, one of the few things I enjoy in this world. I mean, according to you dirty hippies, isn’t joy the thing we’re all supposed to strive for?  Peace? Individual creative expression?

So, please stay out of the fast lane before you see my 5000 lb SUV barreling towards you at 80mph, because….

Driving is my creative expression.

Advertisements