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I’m PMSing. Hard. Soooooo hard. My body hurts. Noise hurts. I want to cry and I hate everyone for not loving me enough. I feel like chasing the driver of that trash truck with a bat because I’m pretty sure he’s banging those trash cans harder and noisier than he needs to. I can see you, you asshole! I know he’s going especially slow in the alleyway because it’s louder there and he knows how much it’s bothering me.

I tried to sleep but it was no use. I’m achy and irritable and choking down occasional sobs. In a moment of rare charity, I got up so that my love could sleep. He works hard and deserves his rest and he is sleeping like a kitten. A soft, warm, cuddling kitten whose blissful contentment makes me want to punch him repeatedly. Hard. He’s just sleeping away even though I can’t get comfortable no matter what I do. So I got up and left the room…after standing over him for a few minutes trying to burn him with my eyes. Still, he’s just snoozing away, handsome and sweet. The fucking nerve of that guy.

I know I’m whining but I can’t, no—don’t want to—stop. I don’t want to go on and on and be all, “Whaaa, my PMS is worse than yours—even though it totally is— whaaaa…Feel sorry for me…This sucks…Men are somehow responsible for this…whaaaa.” I’ve been ruminating on it ever since I gave up trying to sleep and realized whose fault this really is.

It’s Eve’s. That stupid bitch.

I’m not a Christian, and even if I were, I wouldn’t and don’t believe, even on my most irrational days, that all of humanity came from one dude and his little magical-rib companion. But I’m going to pretend for now. And, in efforts to continue on this “charitable” trend, I won’t really voice my opinion on those that do believe that fairy-tale. However you believe is…

Anyway…

Let’s say it was true. Let’s play make-believe and assume that Adam and Eve are the parents of all us and their being cast out of the Garden of Eden was for Eve’s lack of restraint.

Let me explain.

Genesis tells of the birth of man and the Garden of Eden. How everything is blissful and equal and Adam and Eve don’t have to do anything but eat, play with their animal friends, and walk around naked like living in a hippie commune…as long as they don’t eat the fruit from the one tree. I don’t know why God would put that one tree right in the middle of their playground. It would be like putting an Iron Maiden in the middle of a kindergarten. “Now go have recess but whatever you do, don’t play in that giant, spiky, man-shaped toy!”

So this is what happens according to the Bible:

God tells Adam and Eve in no uncertain terms…

“But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.” Genesis 2:17 ESV / 18

And eventually, this happens:

“Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’ But the serpent said to the woman, ‘You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3:1-24 ESV / 5

I applaud her need to know; I’m a curious, some say obsessive, investigator myself. And no man, not even Old Testament Male GOD, can tell me to not do something just because he said so. But “DIE”? I mean, come on! Barring the fact that she probably didn’t know what “die” meant, she didn’t even think twice. Just cruised on up, took a bite, and shared it with her ribless mate with no backbone. All because some crafty serpent with a fast car tells her she’s missing out on something. That’s more than just intellectual curiosity, that’s recklessness. What’s worse is that the damn snake didn’t even have to buy her a drink first. She’s the worst kind of slut that gives the rest of us a bad name. Yeah, I know what I said.

So Eve didn’t die. God took pity on the big-boobed moron. I’m assuming God was a tit-man to rescind the whole death penalty thing. Most men will go back on their word for a nice rack. He did have to punish them though, especially now that Adam is all embarrassed and feels the need to cover up the boobs in fig leaves. So this happens:

“Then the Lord God said, ‘Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever—’ therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken. He drove out the man, and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the cherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life.” Genesis 3:22-24 ESV / 118

I didn’t have to leave in the whole cherubim part but I like the literary ring to it.

Back to my point. God punishes the serpent by making him slither and punishes Adam by making him have to cultivate his food and he punishes Eve by doing this:

“To the woman he said, ‘I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” Genesis 3:16 ESV / 7

Now, I’m not gonna touch the whole “weakened by my lust for my man” thing and especially won’t touch the whole “men will rule over women” thing. I’m PMSing and I don’t have enough quality property insurance to open that can of serpents right now. BUT! the whole “multiplying pain in childbearing” thing is really pissing me off.

I’m of childbearing years. I have the body of a childbearing woman and all the imbalances, hormonal and otherwise, that it entails.

Because of Eve’s lack of restraint and her immediate bedazzlement by a slick-talking, bouncing snake, I feel like crying while I throw things and question your motives.

Because Eve was too selfish to think of the consequences of her actions, just chewing on any old dangling fruit, I’m stuck on the couch chain-smoking and eating ice cream at 8am.

So, yeah, I’m PMSing hard, I’m blaming it on Eve…
but I’m gonna take it out on you.

God speed.

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