ROADWORKERS 72

One of my favorite sites, the career site The Muse, posted some real, and really silly, interview questions that I thought I’d answer for my amusement. Enjoy.

  1. Facebook

“25 racehorses, no stopwatch. 5 tracks. Figure out the top three fastest horses in the fewest number of races.”

There aren’t 3. There are 4 and 1. 4 folded down with the middle 1 sticking straight up. Leave it to Facebook to make up something falsely important that is in fact complete bullshit.

  1. Google

“Why are manhole covers round?”

Well, I wouldn’t say round. I’d say, more of a pointy oval shape and fabulous.

  1. Apple

“If you were a pizza delivery man, how would you benefit from scissors?”

Defending myself in a zombie apocalypse.

  1. Amazon

“How would you solve problems if you were from Mars?”

Whatever it took considering the problem would be, “How the fuck am I going to breathe here?”

  1. Microsoft

“How would you test an elevator?”

By convincing HR hiring managers that ask ridiculous questions to “try the new roller coaster” in the hallway.

  1. Uber

“How would you find the words that became obsolete in English language between 16th and 17th century? You may use a search engine.”

By Googling, “Words that became obsolete in the English language between 16th and 17th century.” Then praying to God you didn’t hire anyone who didn’t answer that way for a driving position.

  1. Trader Joe’s

“What do you think of garden gnomes?”

Stay out of my yard, you freaky stalkers. What I do on my own time is my own business.

  1. Living Social

“What’s your favorite song? Perform it for us now.”

No. I refuse to work for a company that makes me perform tricks. Go interview for Sea World.

  1. Urban Outfitters

“You’re a new addition to the crayon box, what color would you be and why?”

I would be that color of a dark shadow. You know the one you catch out of the corner of your eye when you’re alone? That one. And…Grandma says hello.

  1. American Heart Association

“What’s the color of money?”

Duh, blood.

  1. PETCO

“How would you direct someone else on how to cook an omelet?”

With a baton, flowing white hair, and wearing a tux. Hopefully, with dramatic Rachmaninov accompaniment.

  1. Kraft Foods

“On a scale from 1 to 10, rate me as an interviewer.”

0 because I feel awful sitting here with someone with such terribly low self-esteem to have to ask that. Especially someone in HR. You guys have good medical benefits here, right?

  1. MasterCard

“Can you say ‘Peter Pepper Picked a Pickled Pepper’ and cross-sell a washing machine at the same time?”

See #8

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