I amazed myself in the shower this morning. (Which, by the way, is a great way to start any conversation so feel free to hijack for yourselves.)
I did amaze myself. I was talking away, having a conversation with myself, as I am wont to do, and said something so casually about life and death. Because that’s normal, right? So, as I blurt out this belief, I suddenly realize that it is the most depressing, saddest, un-fucking-believably maudlin, deeply despairing thought I have ever heard, read, or sung to in my entire life. Not tragic, just pitiful in the worst sad-faced-clown way possible, as hateful as those are. And so casually as-a-matter-of-fact that I even shocked myself. It is the thought that is sad but it’s also the casual way that I believe this thought to be true; it just is. As if people have these thoughts and conversations in normal society so deeply disturbing, ever, this was my response and I was totally okay with that because that’s how it is.
And no, I’m not telling you what it is.
Despite what it sounds like, I’m not sad or depressed at the moment. I actually feel really good for a change. I’m not even indulging in it. I did, for a second, wonder if it’s clinical depression that makes me think these things or if because I think these things, I have clinical depression. But…
It doesn’t matter. The point actually is, I missed the boat.
The Smiths made a fortune off this shit and I could put their whiny asses to shame. Put this whine in writing, perhaps with a jaunty yet morose tune, and every emo kid in the country would draw manga versions of me on their peechee folders and hail me as “deep”. “She really gets me! You just wouldn’t understand, Mom!”
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Happy Birthday to you, Morrisey. I got your number. I may be 25 years too late to compete with you but there’s a whole new group of pre-teens begging for an anthem. I’m on it. I’ll start rhyming things in an awkward way and set it to music. It’ll be golden, but I’ll reluctantly accept the fame as trite and un-understanding. There’s more where this came from, baby.
And, I’ll think of you when I accept my Grammy.