I’m Not a Bigger Person

Have you ever sat up nights dreaming of someone's demise? Have you ever focused so hard on someone getting their just deserts only to be disappointed by their head not exploding? Have you ever envisioned someone running so hard, running hard but slower than you, from a bear? Or are you lame? Hm? Don't give... Continue Reading →

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A PSA for Our Public Servicers

I know that's not a good way to say that but I'm keeping it.  I happened to look over towards the sound of a freight truck sliding its back door shut and catch a glimpse of our new postal carrier. She's attractive, fit, peaceful, pleasant, and seems quite content with her duties. Being it such... Continue Reading →

The Ratio

A question: what is the karma:schadenfreude ratio? I can't seem to get an answer that satisfies. What I mean is, how much do I get to celebrate someone else's misfortunes before karma bites me in the ass? This is important to me because Karma is probably the only thing that keeps me in line. I... Continue Reading →

You Need Our Dark

My “assholeness”, you may have figured out by now, concerned reader, comes from a darker place. But that's just me. Not everyone's outlooks are made up of cherries and groovy disco, you know.

Born Without Fucks to Give

My hero: Calamity Jane

And Throw In Something Witchy

One of my favorite quotes of all time is one by Charles Manson. "Do what you do, do it well…and throw in something witchy." Now, before you get outraged, surprised reader, there's a reason it's my favorite and not what you're probably assuming. I don't like it because it's creepy-scary and makes me all shivery--it... Continue Reading →

The New Road

I pray my new road to success is a bullet train powered by thinly-veiled resentment and mocking sarcasm because, so far, paying tolls with subservience and break-room-birthday-party-small-talk has gotten me nowhere.

If You Think the Posted Speed Limit Is Something to Strive for…

put down the car keys and apologize for ever being. The only reason I knew how slow this ‘thing’ was driving was because I could count it on the watch of the seeping-wound-of-a-man on a cane passing him on the sidewalk. Why anyone would dare to drive 4mph ANYWHERE EVER is beyond me. And not... Continue Reading →

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